The tiers of children's entertainment

As a person who spent the bulk of his adulthood as a pop culture-obsessed and nostalgia-pilled manbaby, I’m no stranger to consuming media intended for kids long after I passed the expiration date for its target audience. But a lot of the stuff that targets children first and foremost has long since been acceptable for adults to consume with a minimum of shame attached (if any at all). Disney and Pixar productions. Star Wars movies. Cartoon Network shows. “Classic” cartoons like Looney Tunes, Scooby-Doo, and other camp indulgences.

But when you become a parent, and your kid starts consuming stuff that is intended either solely for them or to be watched in the presence of an adult, you start noticing deep divides between quality and content, and clear buckets into which these pieces of pop culture will land. The parents among you will likely be nodding your heads already, and at least a couple of you are probably wondering which tier you’ll be placing Dog Man into, which releases in theaters this week.

Here is a handy guide to children’s entertainment taxonomy that will appeal to custodians of children, as well as to people who probably get enough sleep.

TIER I — THE ACTUALLY GOOD STUFF

This one’s easy! The Star Wars franchise (pretty much all of it, unless you’re extremely weird), at least 70% of Disney animated movies, essentially 100% of Pixar films, the true tentpole franchises and blockbusters, the Best Animated Film Academy Award nominees, a good amount of Christmas movies, and whatever you personally happen to be attached to via nostalgia from your own childhood that your kid actually likes as well. This is the good stuff; the stuff you don’t mind having on in the room, but there’s no guarantee that your kid will want to watch it at any given moment. In fact, it’s far more likely that they’ll generally opt for something from the tiers below.

TIER II — THE STUFF YOU REGRET SHOWING THEM

Every now and then, you’ll be like, “Oh hey, maybe my kid will like ____” and you’ll show them something that you like, and then they’re really into it, but then it turns out that they’re way too into it and then it’s the only thing they want to watch at all and suddenly you’ll realize that it’s very annoying in large doses. It’s not BAD to watch, and your forced repeated watches will allow you to notice things you somehow never noticed before, but all in all you are a little sorry you got them into this. Our current “oh maybe this was a bad idea” entries in our house are Mr. Bean and Wallace & Gromit, but things can always be worse. Trust me: they can always be worse.

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