9 new careers in a post-Trade War America

Hello and welcome to the impending recession/depression! Our insane President on Wednesday announced his insane tariff plan, which took about $2 trillion off the stock market ... which had already closed for the day at the time of the press conference.

Anyway, our economy is about to head into freefall, if not outright collapse, because a slim majority of voters in November really hate women, trans people, and people of color.

But don't worry: even though things are about to be bad forever, that doesn't mean it's too late to pivot to a new and exciting career in some specific fields that are about to be very viable very soon. Here are some ideas for those of you who are trying to get ahead of the curve and embody that "hustle culture" I keep hearing about.

[Please note: I tried to keep this darkly humorous and steered away from things I felt might be too bleak, but I apologize if it turns out exceptionally bleak anyway!]

Blood boy

If we're not already ruled by billionaires, we're about to be, and those fuckers are weird. A not-insignificant number of these dumb-as-hammers tech bro maniacs are really into having their blood and plasma swapped out with the platelets of younger men, so if you're up to the task and you fit the bill (young; white), why not put the "you" in "eugenics" and sign up to be some psychopath's blood boy? Beats working!

Human billboard

Get your car skinned to advertise a memecoin. Allow your forehead to be tattooed in service of whatever dumb fucking app the AI-obsessed losers that pull the gears of the economy are trying to make happen. Secure that bag wherever you can, it's gonna be really important.

Person whose hand fits between dangerous gears

They're going to try to make robots and AI take as many jobs from humans as possible, but it's expensive for a robot to get mangled. A human can lose at least two hands before you have to replace them, and they work cheap, so be on the lookout for jobs where there's a greater than 50% chance of mangling. There won't be disability or workman's comp anymore, but at least you'll have a great story to tell at the Young Mangled People's Home. (By which I mean the neighborhood bar.)

Child laborer

The Republicans have come up with the perfect solution to deporting the cheapest workforce in the nation: child labor! Florida and some other states have already been rolling back laws to get those kids back in the mines, so if you're ten years old or can pass for it, it's about time to cash in.

Hired goon

Every oligarch needs a deep reserve of goons. By which I mean toughs. Heavies. Thugs. Practice looking menacing now. And steal from your employer whenever you can. What's he gonna do, beat you up?